


guilt

by orphan_account



Category: Ylvis
Genre: Eating Disorder, M/M, Sibling Incest, i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-20
Updated: 2014-07-20
Packaged: 2018-02-09 17:22:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1991364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bård doesn't notice right away, but its obvious</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> so this all started from a conversation I had with Mimmi earlier today, and I think that conversation was better than this fic, but I decided to push through and finish it anyway. i hope it's not too disappointing to read bye

Work had never affected him before. Well, not like this. Of course, Vegard had been drained and wanting to sleep for days after having worked his ass off to put on a show, but it had never affected him in such a way ever.

Vegard looked quietly in front of himself, his entire being tired and worn out, and he hardly acknowledged that he was staring at his brother, talking to one of their sound guys. But then again, Bård didn't acknowledge that Vegard was staring, so he didn't care.

\--

_”Your body is so wonderful,” a sloppy kiss sounded in the air, as a set of lips placed another kiss on the warm skin beneath them._

_”Please.” his voice was hushed and embarrassed, a quiet giggle making its way out as the lips ticked his stomach._

_”I mean it!” His brothers voice was sincere, his fingers weighing in on how serious he was, hands gripping and fondling whatever they could. ”Better than any woman's body.” he mumbled, mouthing over his lower stomach._

_”I was unaware you had such a thing for fat guys.”_

_a laugh filled the air. ”You're not fat. You've just got some good curves,” the lips went all the way down to his thigh, kissing up the inner side of it. ”that I can't get enough of.” They stopped high up, and gently bit down on the soft flesh. ”I love it.”_

\--

These concerts took so much, Vegard had no time for himself. Every day was getting up early, no time to shave or anything, just get out the door and go prepare whatever had to be prepared, because when they didn't have a concert, they had to focus on their tv show, filming the bits they needed to fill their time every evening of the live filming.

It was an excuse, he got up early and didn't eat, didn't look himself in the mirror. He simply got out and tried to distract himself with work. This was important, they needed to work as much as possible, he fooled himself when someone asked why he was at work so early.

His friends noticed, his wife noticed, he didn't notice, and when someone pointed it out, he denied it completely.

”Are you alright, Vegard?” Their choreographer was the one who approached him about it, the dark haired woman sporting a worried expression. ”You're looking a little thin, is everything okay?”

It took him a moment to get what she said, his brain was a little fuzzy. As the words sunk in, he took a cautious step backwards and wrapped his arms around himself, and did not notice how he met no soft skin on his body. ”Yea, I'm fine. It's just a little stressful with all this going on at the same time, you know?”

She nodded, but her expression was still the same. ”Maybe you should take it down a notch, get a little rest, let your brother handle things for a while?”

His brother, Vegard wanted to laugh, but felt his mouth go dry. Bård wanted nothing to do with him. Or thats at least how Vegard felt it. ”I gotta take my share of the load. Anyway, I gotta get back to work, have a phone call to make.” He didn't listen if she wasn't done talking, he simply turned on his heel and walked away quickly.

-

Summer break. Finally a moment of peace. Vegard didn't like it, he felt gross and sick, he wanted to lie in bed all day and ignore the world, yet his wife dragged him up to eat breakfast with her and their children.  
Eggs and bacon, still sizzling from the hot frying pan. Vegard wanted to throw up. He sat there for a while, but as he saw his children eat, he excused himself and told Helene he wasn't hungry, and left the table.

Standing in front of the mirror after a shower, he noticed. After months of denying it, he noticed the change.

He ran his hands over his wet stomach, slid his fingers over his chest and shuddered when he felt every bump and ridge of his ribs through his skin.  
He leaned over the sink and looked into the mirror, finally noticed the dark circles under his eyes and how his cheeks lacked the fullness they once had.

_”You look just like a hamster,”_ the bubbly voice of his brother sounded in his head. _”I will kill you if you ever repeat this, but you look absolutely adorable.” Vegard remembered the feeling of his brothers fingers prodding his cheeks and how hard Vegard had smiled, how soft his brothers lips were when he planted a kiss on his cheek and his hands slid down his back to grab his hips, one of his favorite soft spots on Vegard's body._

_”I've got my own personal human body pillow,” it was ridiculous, but it made Vegard giggle loudly as Bård used his chest to sleep on, and he placed kisses on his skin._

Now he stood there, lacking the girth he once had, and lacking that warm body next to his, the one he wanted.

\--

at least no one noticed at the concerts. Vegard had resolved in wearing far too huge sweaters to cover up the loss of weight, but on stage he was required to wear his skinny jeans and the tight tank top. But no one noticed. He comforted himself with that, as the outfit he wore was supposed to sit tight enough for him to actually look buff or too big for the size of clothing.

And on stage things seemed alright, Bård looked at him and smiled when he needed to, their routines were done perfectly, and Vegard managed to suppress memories when he got knocked to the floor and Bård got on top of him in their pie jesu skit. He somehow managed to channel whatever strength he had left to these performances, because people depended on him, their audience depended on him, Bård depended on him.

Yet all things had to come to an end, right?

It all started with a breakfast at work, where everyone was served delicious food, but Vegard refused. He wanted it done silently and without notice, but Calle riled it up and kept pressing the food to him, and soon all eyes were on the two men bickering and things didn't go as quietly as Vegard had hoped.  
”Calle, I don't want the food, stop it!” Vegard pushed the plate away again.  
”C'mon, Vegard, you gotta eat, it's delicious!” Calle tried again, and nudged the plate back again.  
”No,” Vegard mumbled, and got up. The little he ate, ever, tore on him, and standing up so quickly made him dizzy, and he stumbled a little as he stepped from the table. Panic rose in him when he realized everyone saw, all the worried gazes were on him, even his brothers, who looked more worried than the lot of them. Vegard held his gaze and wanted to cry, and quickly rushed out on shaky legs.

He hoped he could put the incident behind him after that, changing into his performing clothes and going out on stage to rehearse, but as he stood there, he noticed two of the dancers for their show, whispering between each other and taking glances at him.

They were talking about him.

-

_”You know all the comments I make about your body are just a joke, right?” Vegard met his brothers blue eyes in the mirror._

_”I know..”_

_”And you know that no matter what, I'll always love you?”_

_”Yes, I know.”_

_”Good, and don't ever doubt it.” Bård mumbled against his throat._

\--

The day only got worse, he felt more and more eyes on him, as if everyone was staring, glaring him down, and the weight on his shoulders felt almost unbearable. The worst was when Bård finally arrived, and he joined in with the rest in their staring.  
This was the most attention he'd gotten from his brother in months, the way Bård stared at him, and Vegard did his best to not let the looks get to him.

-

_”What?” His voice wouldn't do as he said, the word was silently formed on his lips._

_”It's over. I'm sorry, this just- it's a bad idea.” Bård didn't even look at him, he looked at the floor, at his hands, at the cars passing outside on the road, just not at Vegard._

_He couldn't say anything more, Bård chewed on his lip, sat there for a moment longer, and then left without a word._

_The slice of cake Vegard had ordered had never looked as unappealing._

\--

Bård played guitar as he always did during the concerts, he left the singing to his brother, he had the more impressive voice anyway. Like always, Vegard put on a grand show, giving it his all performing, but still, Bård could see something was off.  
He couldn't believe he hadn't noticed it before, now that someone pointed it out, it was as clear as day. How could he be so blind, that he didn't notice the change before the usually tight fitting clothing hung lose on his brothers body, his eyes looked dead and even his hair lacked the usual shine it had.

It all seemed so obvious now, Bård thought of the times they sat in their office and all Vegard did was sit and sigh, rub his face and keep his eyes closed for long moments at a time. The two incidents where he simply hadn't showed up to work, resulting with Bård calling him. The conversations had been dry and forced, the awkwardness was still apparent between them since their initial break up, and they were already beforehand shit with feelings, so it only got worse.

 

_”Why aren't you at work?” Was the first thing Bård said after he heard Vegards croaking acknowledged sound._

_”M too tired,” he mumbled. ”Cant.”_

_”You have to, you can't leave everything on me, seriously.” Bård replied, listening as Vegard breathed slowly on the other line._

_”I'm sorry.. I just- whats the point?”_

_”What?” Bård sat up, squinting as if vegard could see him._

_There was a long silence, only filled with Vegards stuffy breaths. ”Nothing, nothing.. nevermind..”_

_”Alright, just hurry up, will you?” Bård said. ”need your help with this crap.”_

_”yeah..”_

 

And then there was the other conversation.

 

_”Vegard, damnit, this is the second time you've done this, you can't keep skipping work!” Bård barked into the phone._

_”I know.” Vegard responded._

_”The amount of shit we've got to finish before filming of the next season is so much, I really, really need you here.”_

_”I know.” Vegard repeated. His voice was drained, gutteral as if he'd hardly slept at all._

_”So please,” Bård's voice softened. ”I need you to come to work, please?”_

_There was a sudden shaky huff from Vegard's side. ”I can't do this anymore.”_

_”What? Do what?” Bård asked. ”Are you alright?”_

_”You. You and-” Vegard bit back his words. He sighed again. ”nevermind, I'm on my way.” his voice was monotone and bored, and when he showed up at the office, he looked just as bad as he sounded, but he assured Bård nothing was wrong. He'd always been a good liar like that. Or maybe Bård just didn't bother to pay attention._

 

Because now when Bård thought back at it all, he felt so dumb, had he not been busy strumming his guitar, he'd have slapped himself. Now he thought it through, he realized how stupid he had been, and as he stood there on stage, he put two and two together, and upon realizing what was wrong, fucked up the riffs a bit, but was quick to pick up again and continue playing. He decided that he would go talk to his brother after the concert, he needed to, before things got even worse.

-

The moment the concert was over, when the roar of the crowds followed them backstage and filled their ears as they took of the large fur coats and the fox ears, Vegard drew back, slipped into his little make believe shell and tried to ignore everyone. He hurried to the changing room before anyone could stop him, although he heard his brother call for him. The idea of talking to Bård right now only made him sad, and he did his best to shut out his voice.

He only got as far as changing clothes and reaching the back exit before Bård stopped him, placing his hand on his shoulder. The moment when Vegard turned felt as if it took forever, when their eyes met, time slowed down, and again, Vegard felt that heavy feeling. It centered in his stomach, in his empty stomach, and mixed with the hurt feelings in his heart. And just like that, his legs gave up on him.

Such a perfect time for it to happen too, Vegard remembered thinking as he slowly sank down, but immediately a set of hands were there and pulled him back up, gripping him tight and helping him out the door.

”Vegard, I think you and I need to go get a burger.” his brothers worried voice sounded in his ear.

-

The diner was empty except for them. It was strange, considering it was so close to where the festival was happening, but Bård appreciated the quietness, and he thanked god he and Vegard got a booth hiding them as they sat across from each other.  
Vegard fiddled with a fry, prodding it into the little box of mayo which came with the burger menu, but he had yet to take a bite. He was pale, sickly pale and he'd five times repeated 'I'm not gonna eat this, Bård.”

Guilt filled Bård, as he looked at his worn out sibling, he used to be so full of life and joy, and was now reduced to this, and it was all his fault. Thinking back, Bård realized that Vegard's change started after they broke up, after Bård concluded that them having an incestuous relationship was too dangerous and risky, and they should stop. It was after that Vegard started acting strange, and because of what Bård had done, Vegard now looked like he was dying.

While they had walked, Vegard had come to again, and shrugged himself away from his brother. Bård understood him, why he would do so, yet it somehow still hurt, because he still cared. Vegard didn't know that, but it was truth, Bård still cared and Bård still loved him, but he couldn't go telling him that if they were supposed to distance themselves.

He figured it had been the right thing, to end it, nothing good would have come out of what they did anyway. He assumed they could take it, that they'd be alright, but Vegard was far from it.

”Vegard, come on, I paid for that burger, will you please eat it?” Bård asked, trying to convey hope into his voice, trying to lift up his brothers spirits, but Vegard only gave him an empty look and continued playing with the fry, until it snapped in half. He then picked up a new one, and did the same thing with that.

Maybe he'd been wrong. His resolve had been flawed, ending it with Vegard had broken the elder man. But it wasn't fair. Why would this even happen, ever? No one should ever fall in love with their sibling, and even worse, have that love returned! It only brought misery and sadness, sprinkled with tiny moments of joy when the world didn't matter, yet here he was, Bård Ylvisåker, actually considering...

he took a fry from the food tray and ate it. He watched as Vegard didn't care, and he took another fry.

”Why do you do this to yourself?” Bård asked, slowly taking small bites of the fry.

No response. He continued the fiddling, and kept looking down.

”Is it my fault?” He asked. ”Am I to blame for you starving yourself?” He ate the last of the fry.

Vegard looked up, a flash of guilt in his eye before looking down again and acting as if nothing had happened.

”You're such an asshole.” Bård sighed. What he should do is say fuck it and leave him, the idiot could starve himself to death if he wanted to, but Bård still cared. Båtd couldn't leave him, he was responsible for him, Vegard was his brother and he loved him, he couldn't- simply put, he could not leave Vegard as he was.

Bård sat up. He leaned over and looked through the diner, and when he saw that no one was in sight, he sat back up and scooted over to Vegards side, sitting right up against him. The dark haired man didn't acknowledge his presence, but Bård didn't care, placing his hand on his chin and forcing him to look at Bård.

Slowly, Vegards eyes followed and locked with Bård's own, and as he silently cursed himself, Bård leaned in and kissed Vegard. It was supposed to be just a peck on the lips, just a little show that it wasn't over, but that simply just didn't happen. Their lips collided, and memories flowed. The times they kissed in the past, shared a bed, body heat, and the kiss turned just a little more needy than it should have.  
Still, Bård was capable of pulling away, turning his head when Vegard wanted to chase his lips, a whimper escaping his mouth and his eyes huge in awe.

Bård's face was pulled tight when he turned to look at him again. He grabbed a french fry and held it to his mouth. ”Now eat.” He said, and felt relieved when Vegard opened his mouth and ate the food.

He already regretted kissing him as he watched Vegard attempt to eat, slowly chewing down little bites of the burger, because Bård could already feel his heart make decisions on its own, and he would not end up on top.

”I can't eat anymore,” Vegard said with a disgusted moan, putting down the burger. He had maybe taken four bites, and half of the chips had been eaten. Bård wasn't entirely satisfied, but it was more than he'd seen Vegard eat in a long time, and let it go.

”Lets go.” He nudged Vegard out of the booth and followed him out, smiling at the lady behind the counter as they passed her.

\--

”So.. You wanna talk about it?” Bård shoved his hands into his pockets as they came outside, the cold air greeting them both. They wandered out on the parking lot side by side, keeping a comfortable distance.  
”There's not much to talk about.” Vegard answered bitterly. ”Why did you do that- in the diner?”  
Bård looked up at the light illuminating their surroundings, taking a deep breath. Why did he do it. ”I don't know.. It was necessary.”  
Vegard didn't look satisfied with that answer.

”Did that mean anything.. or did you just do it to fool me into eating?” Vegard asked.

”You honestly think,” Bård contemplated his words, and figured he could try, once more. ”I'd play a joke to make you eat?”

Vegard nodded to himself, looking around and biting his lip. His voice was needy when he spoke again. ”Will you come back to me?”

Bård was thankful he wasn't looking at him then, he shut his eyes and did his best to shut out the pain. This was what he didn't want. Because he wanted it. It was a confusing set of feelings, but he still followed his clever side – one Vegard had all but given up on for love – and shook his head slowly. ”Not tonight.” he choked out.

”Okay.” It was barely audible, but Bård caught the disppointed word. Again, he felt guilty, worried his distance would make it even worse, and he started walking back towards the diner. ”Come with me.” He assumed Vegard followed as he walked to the side of the building, where it cornered into a secluded little alleyway.

Once inside, he turned back to his brother, looking ever so small and sick in the dark. Bård wondered how far he should take it, how far was enough, as he stepped closer to Vegard.

”Will you eat?” He asked, taking his hands out of his pockets as he forced Vegard back, until his back was met by the wall of the diner.  
”I.. I'll try.” Vegard's voice was hoarse and shaky. Bård understood that it wasn't as easy as just doing, and trying was good enough, Bård decided he was going to help, he would see to it that his elder brother would eat again.  
”You better.” Bård murmured and kissed him again. It was a promise that if he did try, he would get more. If he tried, Bård would be there again, and although it was against Bårds own better judgement, he thought this plan was good enough.

\--

Bård spends a lot of time trying to make Vegard eat. It's not always easy, and it's never much, but he always feels a sense of pride when Vegard is able to keep down an entire meal, and he feels sick because he can already tell he's falling back down into the pit he'd been in when they were lovers. He can feel how he's sprouting new affection, how his heart swells at the sight of Vegard, and at those times all he can do is think how screwed he is, and how hes gotta contain himself.

 

The night he actually agrees and goes home with Vegard, when they lie in bed and hold each other and fall completely back into that old habit, for a while he's full of bliss and full of joy, almost matching the excitement of his brother, but when it's over and Vegard has fallen asleep on his chest, Bård runs his fingers over his back and he can still feel the faint bumps of his brothers ribs, and hes still guilt ridden, wishing none of this had ever happened. He curses himself for being so weak, for not being able to stay away from Vegard, and he then sighs and watches Vegard move in his sleep, finally some colour having returned to his face, and then Bård closes his eyes.

\--

”Do you think this is a good idea?” Bårds voice comes so abruptly, it pulls Vegard out of his sleep and he opens his eyes. He's got his ear pressed against his chest and he can hear his slow breathing, the calm heartbeat, and he wants to go back to sleep.

”Maybe we should stop.” The words are reluctant, but they're there, and Vegard tenses up immediately, and he slowly sits up to look at Bård.

Bård watches him rise up, sees his lips tremble and how his adams apple bobs in his throat when he swallows. ”No.” He whispers, eyes big and absolutely terrified, his chest rises and falls quickly as if hes starting to hyperventilate and Bård swears he sees him go deathly pale as he watches him.  
”You can't possibly think that what we're doing has a happy ending?” Bård asks, pushing himself up in the bed and creating a little distance between them. Now they're at the same height.

”Don't say that, please,” Vegard refuses to listen, he can't hear it. ”don't-”

”Vegard,” bård tries, feeling bad as Vegards eyes become glassy and wet, but he doesn't know what to do.

”No,” Vegard crawls closer. ”No nono no no,” he repeats a few times as he cups Bård's face and looks into his eyes, despreation screaming in the brown orbs. ”I've already lost you once, please- I need you, fuck- i need you so bad, please don't leave me again.” Vegard's voice wavers and trembles, his fingers dig into Bård's cheek and Bård brings his own hands up to hold Vegards.

”Please- I'm a mess without you, I- I love you Bård, please,” the last thing Bård expected was Vegard to say that, and he certainly didn't expect to see him cry, but that he did, a tear slowly making its way down his face. ”Please don't leave me-” he begs, and Bård feels so guilty. He takes a shuddering breath, and feels how Vegard tightens his grip on Bårds hands.

”It's okay,” he can hear himself say, his voice is so quiet he barely registers it himself, but vegard hears, bård knows he does. ”It's okay, I'm here, I'm still here, you don't have to worry.” Strange, Bård might have been more emotional in the moment, the entire wall he'd built up to keep those emotions out, all collapsing in on him and his voice breaks numerous times as he speaks. The tone of his voice is highly affected by the need to cry, but no tears come. This was never meant to happen, they were never meant to happen, what brought them right back to the start was Bård trying to help them both, but it only intensified his feelings, and god if Bård didn't want Vegard back where he'd been.

”I just want you to be alright, I don't want to see you break yourself apart over me, I don't-” Bård holds his brothers hands tightly, and somewhere along the way they close the proximity enough for their foreheads to touch, and Bård can see his brothers tears fall silently.

”I love you,” He hears Vegard whisper again, the words laden with desperation, and Bård can't bring himself to tear away, not when the result is Vegard ruining himself.

Maybe it'll be alright, maybe they'll be fine, Bård thinks as he shuts his eyes. A million risks and thousands of worried thoughts might not outweigh those few good moments, maybe this time..

Bård lets his foolish heart decide once more, lets his arms slide around his brothers naked frame to hold him close, and opens his mouth.

”I love you too.”


	2. Chapter 2

It's been two months now, and Bård still feels guilty. It varies from time to time, but it's not as bad anymore.

He can lie awake at night when he's not with Vegard, when he's at home, and worry himself sick, other times he figures Vegard is a grown man and hes fine now, he promised he'd take care of himself.

Then there are the times they're actually together, and Bård's emotions are all over the place. In public, he keeps an eye on him and when Vegard looks back at him he does his best to contain his smile as Vegard's kind brown eyes look upon him, and he thinks of their new found intimacy. And then he feels guilty, because they're siblings and it shouldn't be.

When they're out filming or doing interviews in places that demand them staying away from home, and they sleep together in the same bed, Bård covers his face with his arm and does his best to suffocate his guilt as he feels Vegard shuffle in bed.

The guilt drowns out at times though; when he's lying in the middle of the bed and he can feel Vegard's mouth ghost its way down his front and end up in a place a brothers mouth never should be, when Vegard happily sucks him off, Bård feels no guilt. He gasps and he writhes and grabs the bed, and he feels no shame. He uses the word 'brother' in ways it shouldn't be uttered and doesn't regret a thing.   
When the roles reverse, and Vegard is the one lying on his back while Bård can do with him as he pleases, he doesn't think much of it, until his lips slide down his chest and his hands down his sides, and he feels Vegard's ribs, and it intensifies as he goes lower and is met by his brothers hipbones, now sticking out as he lies. Where once was soft flesh, there's hardly any, but Bård knows Vegard tries, and he has gained weight.

There are still days, even when Bård is there, that Vegard wakes up but refuses to cope, where he lies in bed and whines, but at least on those days Bård is quick at his side and does his best to lift his spirits.  
This means he leaves him alone for a few hours and slowly starts making noise, knowing Vegard will wake up, and when he sees that he has finally opened his eyes, he makes his way over and sits with him. If all is well, Vegard allows conversation, if its a very bad day, he'll just sit quietly and stare ahead of himself.

Luckily, Bård managed to find a way to work when Vegard feels like this. He brings with him paperwork and his laptop, and he's good to go if it comes to him having to go to Vegard when he's down.

”Remember how you always talked about how you loved my chubbiness?” Vegard asked one day, lying in bed as Bård sat on the bedside using his laptop.

Bård didn't respond right away, he looked over at vegard, who had pulled up his t-shirt and was looking at his flat stomach. Bård placed his computer on the bedside table and leaned over resting his chin on Vegards shoulder.

”Yes I do, but that's not important.” Bård said.

”You always talked about it..” Vegard sighed.

”Vegard, really, what little chub you had doesn't matter to me, what matters to me is that you're alright.” Bård turned onto his stomach and put his hand on Vegard's stomach. ”I love you anyway.” He smiled to Vegard, and pressed a kiss onto his shoulder.


End file.
